Brazil Tomorrow!

February 2, 2008: Day 11

Hey guys. Before I get started I would like to note that I have been losing things and it has been driving me crazy! I've lost thus far two tubes of chapstick, a pen, and the greatest loss has been my international calling card that was compatible for my cell phone. I'm really upset about that because I'm quite sure I won't be able to find another one like it... urgh. Yet another thing to torment me :-P My anxiety has also continued in the form of butterflies and my heart racing, caused by who knows what. I woke up with it this morning. Anyway, as for yesterday—I woke up, had breakfast, took a shower, and went to Global Studies on my own. We learned about economical stuff about Brazil, particularly the oil industry. I must say that I'm really disappointed in Global Studies—I know everyone said it sucked but I thought that it was just because you have to take it and it's so early in the morning. I don't feel like I've learned hardly anything useful that will prepare me for Brazil, with the exception of the talk about Carnaval, and the explanation of candomble (but I don't have time to see it—this time). Anyway, that was unfortunately really boring... Then, I bought my textbooks for my Transcendentalism class, and they didn't even have all of them and I spent $76, which is ridiculous... I hear that they rip you off during buyback, too. I'd sell them online but many of the courses are uniquely through Semester at Sea, so I don't know who would buy them. Then, I went back to my room and drew in charcoal a little bit and took care of my immigration forms, which I turned in. Then, I had my drawing class, where we did modified contour drawings, which are basically when you look at your subject for the majority of the time, but you can look at the paper from time to time to make sure you're going in the right direction and whatnot. Homework: make a modified contour drawing of the same shoe you used last time... blah. That class has thus far been kind of a joke, but I know we have to start from somewhere. It's ok, though, I do really enjoy drawing so far, so I shouldn't complain. I'm 100% sure I won't get credit for it, though. Anyway, I prepared a list for packing for the Amazon and it's really long—I don't know how I will fit all that stuff in my backpack but I certainly will try! After that, I went to dinner with Caitlin, which was really nice. We went to the fancy dining hall (my first time going there) with the beautiful crystal-looking chandeliers and whatnot. They had lime sherbet, too, which was super exciting! It's so funny how I get really excited about certain things because they have become such a commodity. I hear, however, that only staff and faculty get the cream cheese, and I'm not ok with that :-P

Caitlin's decided to shave her head, and hopefully she'll let me do the honors. That would be so much fun. After dinner, we went to our separate meetings (I wanted to do Portuguese for travelers, but it was in the Union and there was a meeting for Vicarious Voyage, so I figured it wasn't happening and didn't go). At 8, the a cappella group met in Max's office and we learned "This Little Light Of Mine." Max intends our group to sound like the Sweet Adelines, a lady's barbershop quartet, so he has us singing that song, as well as "Shine On Me." We harmonize really well when we get going, so it's really cool to hear and be a part of it. We have all decided, though, that once Max is finished filling his duty as deputy dean for our original academic dean (who got into a car crash and broke his arm, so he won't be able to come until South Africa), we're going to do more popular, current songs. I'm ok with that, I suppose—so long as I'm singing, I am happy. So, that went well, and I went back to my room, where Tricia, Kim, and Dante were hanging out. I sat down for a little while and joined in, which was pretty cool, and then Caitlin stopped by. We hung out for a little bit there and then wanted to go up on the 7^th deck aft (where there is a snack bar) to get some frozen yogurt (which wasn't very good—at least the vanilla flavor). Pub Night was going on and it had rained that evening so EVERYONE who was there (it must have been a couple hundred students) was under the awning, so it was suuuuper loud and crowded and hot. We both got our ice creams and it was kind of fun to just sit there and watch everything that was going on... some of it quite funny. This one guy from Texas was really friendly and started talking to us. Then, my acquaintance-friend, Brady (the guy I met in the airport, Mom, remember?) came up and started talking to us after that one guy. It was cool to hear about how he's been working in some restaurant or another for 4 years now. He told me I have to sing for him sometime, lol... I dunno if that will happen, cuz I hate singing in front of people. But then again, I'm trying to get over that, and now is a great time to start. Anyway, Caitlin and I left after our lovely people-watching session to go play a game but got distracted by some music in the Union. My acquaintance-friend Ben was playing his 12 string with a 16 year-old kid named Willy (came with his mom, who is a professor?) and they had an amazing jam session. Willy was unbelievable and did some amazing slide stuff (I don't know guitar lingo...). I got them on tape. It was amazing to be in the Union and the ship wasn't bobbing or pitching or anything. We had incredibly calm waters yesterday, to the point that it hardly felt like we were at sea—it's the same today, thus far, as well. So we hung out there until about 12:30 and talked with some really nice people. It was very enjoyable to hear some live music, and the guitar made me miss my Alex. Then, Caitlin and I went back to my room to talk some more, but she got tired and left, and then I tried to get on the Internet because I knew it would be super fast, as EVERYONE was up at Pub Night, so no one would therefore be using it. Unfortunately, the satellite was "lost," as the Purser's Desk lady said, so I couldn't use it. Perhaps that is better, because I have been using it far too much :-P Then, I headed back to my room, and I saw my neighbor going into his room next to mine, and as it turns out, he was in the Union when I was there, too, so I was like hey! You're my neighbor? And he was like yeah, you were in the Union! (we had met a couple of days earlier very briefly, to the point of not even being able to remember his and his roommates faces if I saw them anywhere else, so it was a pointless meeting), and he introduced his roommate Michael (his name is Alex), and Michael was like, well don't hang out in the doorway! Come in! And so I came in for a little bit and talked, and then they asked about Tricia, so I went and got her, and we all hung out talking until literally 3 in the morning. Alex is from Portland, Oregon (Mom, you would love him lol—liberal to the core) and Michael is from Orange County in California. I will try to paint a picture of what these two guys are like: Michael is a vegetarian and reminds me a whole lot of the kind of guy who would be friends with mi amigo Eric—very laid back and his major is philosophy. I think if he drank coffee (I don't know if he does or not), he'd be a perfect best friend match for Eric lol. Alex is a typical boy and like boy movies. They get along so well, it was really neat to see. We all had a very intelligent discussion about things like global cultures, healthy food and how bad processed food is, why drinking to get drunk is pointless, etc. They sound like my kind of people, right? Tricia and I talked later and we both found it incredibly refreshing to find real, intelligent and global-minded people on this ship full of short-sighted college students. And all along, they were right next door! I look forward to talking to them again. So, things are really starting to look up. I'm feeling relatively better about being in the middle of the ocean with all these strangers, but I still miss my friends just as much as before. I love you all so very much—Mary, Rose, Alex, Jess, Mom, Dad, Nicole, Alex's friends, everybody... You guys are so awesome and I can't wait to see you all again. I want to reiterate the fact that I think of you all constantly and I love hearing about things that are going on in your lives. Don't lose faith, guys—we'll pick up right where we left off when I left. Please, please believe me. Well, we don't have class today, so I have a full day of nothing going on, with the exception of having to get my photo taken and the a cappella group meeting tonight. Now that I have friends I feel a connection with, I am happy to say that today's probably going to be a decent day. One more thing—please don't get upset with me if I take a while to get back in touch with all of you guys individually—it's stressful trying to remember who I've emailed and who I have not, so please try to understand. Keep sending them, though—if you email me, I will email you (only my closest friends, family, and Francie please... I'm sorry guys, but I can't keep up with too many emails). Well, it's off to lunch for me!

Mucho Amor,

Michelle

February 3, 2008: Day 12

Hello all. Yesterday saw kind of a lapse, yet again, into sadness and frustration. The day started off well, with sleeping in and no class, but things like having already run out of my Internet minutes (250 of them....) and having to buy more because half the time I try to do things like write you guys emails and update this blog the Internet is so slow that it eats up my minutes when I'm not even able to do what I intend to do on the Internet. Sometimes it'll kick me off, too. I think I'll start setting my alarm for 3 am when no one is using the Internet so I can do what I need to do without the anger and frustration—I got really upset that I had already used my minutes, and for what?? Even then, I am barely able to keep in touch with you guys. So, I paid $100 for that... urgh. I feel like every little thing nowadays can set me off into depression and frustration, and it's driving me crazy. I'm so stressed out, and it's because of things like wanting to keep in touch but barely able to, and not just class. I went to dinner with Caitlin and her friend, Sarah, to the fancy Aquamarine dining room, and we had two servings of the dessert ("chocolate mousse" aka chocolate pudding fancied up with whipped cream and whatnot). I've already said how things like that have become such a huge commodity, and because of that, the desserts were gone from the table in less than a minute—no joke. People even waited in line at the dessert table to ensure that they had dibs on one of them when they came next time. The weirdest thing I've experienced so far with myself has been that even though I am more stressed than I have been in my life, and completely out of my element and therefore significantly unhappy, I have not been able to cry. I have even tried to make myself, so I can feel better, and I can succeed but it's never enough. I barely cry when I do, and it's another thing that bothers me because it's taunting me with a promise of relief but then I am tricked and feel no relief whatsoever. Anyway, yesterday I hung out with my neighbor Michael, and the things he says, like, "You can choose to let things bother you," and, "It's your choice to be positive" remind me very much of my daddy, because he says the same stuff. The irony is that they share the same name—otherwise, though, they are nothing alike. I did my homework of drawing a shoe in his room, and we went up on the deck to get our pictures taken for our schools. It was really hot today. Anyway, Michael, I can foresee, will be my on-ship Eric. I miss you, Eric :-( I also got really stressed out about my spending money on the ship—it's inevitable and it upsets me because I don't want to be in even more debt than I am already, but I still want to enjoy myself. I was talking to Caitlin, who has two sisters who have been on SAS before, and they both said that they felt guilty for feeling so miserable at first when it's supposed to be the trip of a lifetime and we're so, so fortunate to be able to do it. I feel the same way—everything that I have been experiencing has been so complicated, so I don't expect you guys to understand, because I know you guys are thinking, "Well, she's so ungrateful and ridiculous for not enjoying herself." Such is not the case. Anyway, I simply ask you not to judge, but to think positively my way for me, because I need support. In some ways this is the only event I have experienced that has been the closest to being as hard as Nicole's accident was for me (if that makes any sense), but in an entirely different way, of course, and I can at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was so disheartening yesterday, though, to feel as though things were getting better but to have my hopes torn to pieces again the next day. I just have to keep faith that the higher being I call God will help me through this, and that he intends for me to go through this so that I can be a better person, because that's all I can do. I accept that I have no control over this and that I can only do the best I can. Ok, now for a change in gears: we all have noooooo Global Studies tomorrow!!!! Yay! Sleep in action will occur. Global Studies was actually informative and entertaining today, so I was glad for that. We learned more about the customs of Brazil by our Brazilian students who will be on the ship until we port, and heard the song of a screaming something bird, which was crazy, and learned some current issues with Carnaval floats (apparently one school had a theme that was "Eye Openers" and they did Holocaust victims and a Hitler dancing around—the Jewish community found out about this and took it to court and won. The point of Carnaval is to be shocking and make fun of political stuff sometimes, so this wasn't entirely surprising to hear...). I wanted to call Alex last night, to hear his voice and take comfort in it, but we had no service (we have satellite phone service while at sea). So, I watched my homemade video of all my friends (which I am so glad I made) for the second time, and really enjoyed it. Tricia heard Alex playing guitar and was very impressed :-) He's so good. I miss hearing him live, though. I also went to our a cappella group, and we learned some more songs, all of which are from the mid-1800s lol, because that's all Max has access to. It's fine with me, though—I just want to sing stuff that sounds good. I really wish we had a social dancing group on the ship, though. I would organize it myself if I knew anything to teach, but as I don't remember anything, it wouldn't be a very successful group. I also haven't heard anything from yearbook, so I have no idea how I'm supposed to go to the meetings if I don't know when they meet lol. Ah, my daily playing of "Eye to Eye." Makes me so happy. You guys, I love talking about you anytime someone comes into my room and sees pictures of you all. I know I have the most amazing friends in the whole world and I can't help but brag :-P Well, I have class in about 45 minutes and I need to eat before then, so I'm out my loves.

An Ocean Full of Love,

Michelle

"You've got magic inside your fingertips... It's leaking out all over my skin."

"You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say—yes, you'll be in my heart—always."

UPDATE!: :-D There are seagull-type birds fishing outside right now! We still have 600 + nautical miles to go until Salvador, but we're still off the coast of Brazil, so it's nice to see them—a promise of what's to come. There were also two ships in the distance. The birds were beautiful—white graceful things with black-tipped wings. Minus the black accents on their bodies, it reminded me of the Albatross from Coleridge's The Rime of the Ancient Mariner—they seemed like a good omen to me, and that kind of lifted my spirits. Anyway, that's all! Off to Transcendentalism for me! :-D

Muchisimas Amor a Ustedes,

Michelle

February 4, 2008: Day 13

Tomorrow we will arrive in Salvador, Brazil!!! I'm so, so excited about it. Last night we could see land, and it was a beautiful sight to see. Let's see... yesterday was good all throughout the day—the first time I have had a good day in what seems like weeks. I went to lunch, as usual, by myself... It's starting to get really old having to go by myself. I'm sick of meeting new people I'm not going to connect with lol but whatever. I had Transcendentalism and Art and Architecture yesterday, and in Transcendentalism, we had a really good conversation about experiencing what it is to be nothing, and a "transparent eyeball." Here's an example I experienced recently as being nothing in a social aspect: I went with Caitlin the other night to the 7^th deck aft for some ice cream at the bar, and it was also Pub Night (as is every day at sea... some people go every night)... Caitlin and I sat at the bar, eating our ice cream, and it was so crowded that no one gave us any attention whatsoever, so we could simply observe, not participate, and not interfere with anything. That's what it means to be "nothing." We discussed other things about being nothing, like having to suspend all judgment, and rather than feeling like a anti-social wallflower, to simply feel like you're not entirely there at all, and all you are is, again, a "transparent eyeball." Anyway, so that was a good discussion, and I can tell I'm going to love the class because I adore discussions and philosophies and sharing and hearing life stories and how they tie into what we're learning. I should be a philosophy or psych major because of this, but I don't feel like I would want to anything career-wise with that. Perhaps a minor? Anyway, after that I went to dinner and met up with Brittany there, which was cool, and then I went back to my room to get stuff done until the pre-port briefing. I ran into Alex next door in the hallway and him and his friend Alex, who lives two doors down, were going to watch a movie and he invited me to join. So, I did, and we watched Blow halfway through and then went to pre-port. (So many Alexes and not even the one I want here with me...). Then, I got ready really quickly for our sea's social event that night. We were supposed to dress up like pirates but the majority of us had the sense not to bring any pirate gear with us on this journey lol... So, I drew on Alex (the guy who's friends with the guy next door... so confusing, I know) a skull and crossbones, and I must say, it looked really good :-P I drew one on my ankle for practice. It looks awesome. Anyway, we went to the social in the staff and faculty lounge (nicest on the ship, of course) and we had some cookies and food and other people got alcohol. We donned makeshift construction paper eye patches... The lounge has a dance floor in the middle—something that came in handy later on in the evening. Once the alcohol kicked in for some people, the dance floor gradually filled up with people. Teneya, a girl who lives two doors down and is in my a cappella group, is really, really fun as it turns out, and she dragged me up to the dance floor and her, me, and Caitlin danced like a bunch of dorks the whole night. It was so. much. fun. And we were completely sober! :-D Anyway, we danced with our interport lecturer, Javier, who's so so nice, and we even dragged our executive dean up on the floor for one song, and we danced with Max, the temporary academic dean (the one who is also teaching us in the a cappella group) and one teacher even imitated this one girl who was getting down on a pole... no joke. The teacher was a dude and it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen, considering that he was no spring chicken! They played a bunch of Carnaval songs, which was soooo amazing, and we all just had an amazing time. I got tons of pictures. Caitlin, Teneya, and I were completely deaf by the end of it all and were kind of yelling at each other because we couldn't hear very well—it was hilarious. We hung out after that and French braided each other's hair and talked about our boyfriends and a bunch of things in general. It was such a fun evening. Before that, though, I took pictures of those awesome birds I had mentioned earlier and my battery ran out... when it did, I was like, well, I'll just stick around for a little while longer and watch them. As soon as I thought that, I got pooped on! Urgh!!!! It was so funny and nasty at the same time... I just found it so ironic. So, I ran back to my room and took care of it. I suppose admiring nature can have its downsides sometimes, lol... I'm going to pack tonight for the Amazon... I cannot wait to go!!! Oh, by the way, the Internet has been down for the past two days, so I am sorry for taking so long on this. I must admit, though, that it was kind of nice to take a break from getting stressed out about the Internet being so slow. I also have no phone service, consequently, so I would have called some of you but was unable to. I drew a totally cool detail of a piano yesterday, of which I am quite proud. I'm really enjoying drawing. I have yet to finalize Carnaval plans—I'm considering persuading Michael to come with me, and I think Teneya's roommate Katherine wants to go, so hopefully that'll work out. Well, I have to go to drawing class now. Much love to you all, and I hope everything is going well for you my dears!

Michelle