April 30, 2008: Day 97?
I've discovered that the night has become my enemy and transforms my mood from content and happy to depressed, unhappy, and discontent. I dread when the time gets closer every night to when I must finally retire to attempt to get some sleep, because I know that my thoughts will free themselves from their daily slumber and attack me like ruthless devils once the sun goes down, and sometimes before that time... I have been ripped apart each night by my thoughts and have lost all control of them. The only way for me to rid myself of them (and they never truly go away) is to write them down, or take Benadryl until I'm too tired to function... I have slowly but surely come to the realization that I am becoming pessimistic. Very pessimistic. I am losing my childish innocence and naivety that I've been clinging to for the sake of keeping some hope all these years, and I'm not ready for it to go away yet. I will always need hope, and hope will always continue to let me down. I still let myself hope, and dream the wildest dreams I can come up with, and they are often revealed to be impossible. I'm learning a very hard lesson: that nothing, absolutely nothing, in this life is simple. Nothing is easy, nothing is pure beauty and goodness. I've known this all along but I guess I didn't really believe it, didn't really fathom what it really meant and how serious such a revelation is. Well, I don't want to be serious, and my childish, hopeful, optimistic-through-all-curveballs-life-throws-me side is fighting against my becoming a pessimist, an adult, a cynic, and jaded, but its fight is becoming more feeble with each hurtful thought that invades my mind, and my heart aches with every blow my mind administers to it. This break up, I believe, has broken my ability and desire to love with all my heart. I'm starting to think more and more that love just isn't worth it. It hurts too much, always, and I'm tired of it. It's like everything I touch turns to ash, even if I love with all my heart—no holding back whatsoever—and when I try to help I just make things worse. I feel like keeping myself in solitude and singledom is the only way that I can keep myself from people who expect too much from me... I feel like I befriend people who always need my help, but what about me? I need help, too, sometimes, and I'm tired of trying to help people. I need help now. I haven't felt this distressed since Nicole's accident (although I don't know if I could ever feel as distressed at the level I did around Nicole's accident... meaning that nothing could compare to how awful it felt, but this is certainly up there for me). I thought I was through with hardships, but I have to realize that God will always make sure that hardships exist in my life. Every night I feel like crying, and every night I find that there is absolutely no one on this ship who can be bothered to listen to me, and be there for me, and give me a hug and at least make me feel better for another 24 hours—until the cruel cycle repeats it again. When will this torture end? I'm so ready to just stop loving him, to end this pain... I want my old self back, the one who was always positive and happy, and who believed in the goodness of people, and who really believed people who they said they'd call, or be home at this time, or do something for me... Empty promises is all that they ever were, and yet, I continued to believe that this time, maybe, things would change, but no, they never will. Never. I'm sick of having my hopes of love, in its many different forms, crushed over and over again. I feel like I've been driven insane by these thoughts, every night, over and over again, wickedly wrapping barbed wire around my heart and making sure that I don't forget what I have been involved in—breaking someone's heart, and in the end, I hurt just as much—if not more—as he hurts. I go outside late at night, around this time, and go to the back of the ship and watch the wake... It's so beautiful, like liquid iceberg, and I look up at the stars, and think of God, telling him that I know he's there, but not feeling His presence. I feel utterly alone in this battle and I can't understand why. I've been asking him for relief—or, at the very least, a respite-- from this torture and it just doesn't come. The day is God's time, and the night the devil's... I will never give into the pain; my name (according to a bookmark I once had) means "godly woman," or, "God's woman," for a reason. I have never backed down from my undying faith in God and that fact will never change. I never questioned God for bringing about Nicole's accident. I just accepted it. Anyway, coming home will be the most bittersweet moment of my life, I believe. I dread coming home only because I dread facing him, but at the same time, at least some sort of resolution will come about, which will be a relief; at least time will start again and I won't be suspended in what feels like an eternity left to my own thoughts, and no ability to attempt to repair the damage that has been done... I have one chance, if I will even be given it... I hope that I don't screw it up... All this, and I have also been trying to savor every last moment I have on this ship, because it's almost over. Tonight was the most amazing coffee shop I've ever been to (mimes, cloggers, musicians—violinists, guitarists, singers, etc, storytellers, monologues, everything was fantastic—so good that I won't waste my time ever going to another coffeehouse again because nothing will be as good as the one tonight—we have such a multi-talented ship; even Doc Brown played the drums, which was a pleasant surprise) and it made me realize that this was the last time that I would hear Willy—my Transcendentalism professor's youngest son—play guitar (he's going to be famous someday very soon, and he's only 16), and the last time that I will get to be surprised by classmate's secret talents (Danielle and her clogging), and the last time I would have to endure Noah's very bad jokes that always sneak in something uncomfortable, that were actually borderline funny this time... I will miss hearing Eliza to my right sing beautifully through my cabin wall (she has a killer voice—she performed tonight and did a fantastic job), and I will miss hearing Michael to my left laugh, cough, and sneeze... I won't be able to yell, "Bless you!!!" to him anymore. I won't have my friends two and ten doors down from me anymore. I won't be able to legitimately walk around campus barefoot anymore (although we're not technically allowed to walk around barefoot...), I'll even miss the ridiculous administration and I'll miss having Global to complain about. I'll miss having Tricia as a roommate, who has never ceased being so kind, funny, and always willing to listen. I will miss my ship friends—even the ones who have been driving me crazy lately (I barely ever see them anymore—as far as ship standards go... aka I see them once a day now and usually only for a fleeting moment to say hello), and I don't know if I'm close enough to any of them to visit them again, so I feel like these are the last days I will be spending with them, even though I intend to stay in touch (which isn't the same thing)... But I know I'm more excited at this moment in time to go home, where there's free Internet, as many hugs as I could possibly want; where I will get poured with love 24/7; where my dog and cat are, and where I can cuddle with them any time I want to; as much family time as I can possibly bear; my friends, thank God, my true, beloved, always caring and understanding friends! Time and resources to do the things that I want to do, like kickboxing, Weight Watchers, learn to play the guitar (so that I can eventually graduate to violin... I want to study it in school; I believe it's the only way that I can overcome my inability to master an instrument because I'd have to learn... a very big dream of mine is to play for an orchestra... a goal I feel is worth working toward), go camping, start working, start saving money as well as paying off my debt, and enjoying some free time... I'm looking forward to driving again, and singing as loudly as I please along to my favorite music in the car... I'm looking forward to doing swing dance through KSU again... I'm looking forward to living on campus with my dear friend Rose... I'm looking forward to hip hop aerobics, ellipticals, getting into shape, and pilates, and intramural softball. I'm looking forward to getting out of this damned, crazy mood I've been in constantly (that has worsened to an extreme over the past two weeks). Well, I guess I'm finally tired now, and I feel loads better... To be continued (believe me, I have plenty more on my mind...)... Much love to you all,
Michelle
May 4, 2008: Five More Days Until Miami; Post- Costa Rica!
So, sorry for the depressing and rather revealing posts I have been writing lately, but I've got a serious amount of stuff on my mind. It's finally own me down so much that I pretty much don't have any more emotions left with the things that I mentioned... Good ol numbness. I guess. It's kinda nice not to feel much, actually, and I can have a free mind and can enjoy my last few days on this beloved ship in which I have lived for the past 3 ½ months. Man, will I miss the Explorer, oh dear mother ship, provider of a warm bed, bland food, a rocking home and school, and most importantly, provider of entertainment (and I'm not just talking about the movies on tv, plays, coffeehouses, and Sea Olympics here—I'm talking about the people themselves lol). Ok, anyway, what you came to hear about: Costa Rica. Oh my God. I'm pretty darn sure that it was my favorite of favorite ports. I 100% had a fantastic time, and Costa Rica lived up to all my expectations (for once my expectations didn't let me down... a refreshing change, I must say). So, let's hear about it: The first day, go figure, I had to live off of 6 hours of sleep (please note that I normally get a whole lot more than that, so that amount of hours of sleep is severely too little) because I couldn't fall asleep for FOREVER... Plus, I had to wake up at 7 am. Anyway, I went to the La Paz Waterfalls Gardens trip that was meeting at the buses outside the ship in the hopes of getting a last-minute ticket, and I happened to mention to a friend/ship acquaintance that I didn't have a ticket yet, and one girl overheard and gave me hers because she decided that she wanted to hang out with her friends. $70 down the drain for her, a free awesome day trip for me!!! It was so nice of her. So, we drove for almost 3 hours up into the mountains (I think we reached 8,000 feet) through so many little towns and villages and we got to see some of the more beautiful countryside (Puntarenas, the town in which we ported, is nothing to ride home about) while learning all sorts of cool things about Costa Rica, thanks to our tour guide, Rolando. Like, for example, that Costa Rica has one of the highest literacy rates in the world (96%), it has no army (it's a pacifist country—a.k.a. my DREAM land! When it really needs militaristic help, it just turns to the US for help if their diplomatic negotiations fall through), contains within its borders that's roughly the size of West Virginia 10% of the world's species of flora and fauna (it's known for its biodiversity), and what I found particularly interesting, all their food is natural and process-free. Wow. Plus, they have really good relations with the US. Sounds like the country of my dreams, right? And it's so incredibly beautiful and lush... It took me all of 2 hours to decide that I want to live there someday. Absolutely. And I want to go to San Jose, the capital, and explore as much of the country as I can, because it has enchanted me heart and soul... Anyway, we finally arrived—in the rain—and it was so pleasantly cool... The Gardens were amazing. We first did some shopping in the gift shop (I was worried about not being able to get some souvenirs, so I took advantage of it ASAP), and then went to the bird sanctuary. Oh my goodness. Parrots, little conures, parakeets, woodpecker-looking things, any kind of beautiful, tropical bird you can think of, in many different sizes. I got tons of cool pictures, including some of me with a gorgeous, huge blue parrot on my arm. She was so cute and curious, and it was funny because there was also a small African Grey who wasn't tame yet (and could apparently be vicious at times—a biter) who kept flying on everyone's shoulder, which was fine, but the guide kept shooing him or her away for fear of someone getting bitten. We then moved on to this part of the sanctuary that had the absolutely most adorable version of a monkey I have ever seen: a pygmy something with a head as big as a golf ball, sweet little eyes, and a curious, furry little face. They were darling—I really wanted one, very badly. Or, at least, to be able to hold one, but that wasn't possible. Anyway, we then moved on to see some big monkeys (spider monkeys and whatnot) but we couldn't go inside like we could in the bird sanctuary. So, in that sense, it was more like a zoo exhibit. After that, we came upon the butterfly sanctuary and I held some beautiful butterflies, and even convinced one really chill butterfly to hang out on my nose for some pictures. That was awesome. They also had live cocoons that had butterflies hatching (this wasn't behind glass or anything... I could have touched them if I had wanted to) in many different stages—it was so wonderful to be able to witness, first-hand, that process. Their wings were crinkled and everything. Then, we (me and this other girl Caroline... we kept lagging behind the group because we both took a million photos per exhibit) walked through the hummingbird garden, which was amazing—I really enjoyed having them up so close, zooming past me just like they do at home when I sit outside on the deck when they use the feeder... I got a really cool photo of a hummingbird that landed on the upper edge of a mini waterfall (part of the landscaping) to bathe itself I suppose, which was awesome... I was amazed that it managed to keep a "foot"hold on the edge. Then, we got a seriously delicious lunch, buffet style, at the location's awesome restaurant. I felt like I hadn't eaten real food in months, and wolfed everything down (we had to hurry up because we wanted to see the waterfalls, too)... I had Latin-versioned meatballs (yummy!!!), fried plantains in this amazing hot syrup sauce, very good rice, PIZZA, FRENCH FRIES, and some amazing fresh tropical fruits, as well as some pudding que era muy, muy rica y deliciosa! Despues de comer, we went to the snake exhibit and I saw the coolest snake ever: a water snake that was really long and thin that kept twisting itself in coils and knots over and over again... I want one of them lol (what animal don't I want to have in my home?)... We then went to see the waterfalls, which were every bit as beautiful and lush as you'd expect Costa Rican waterfalls to be, so that was absolutely wonderful. It was a nice end to a fantastic trip. We then headed home. Oh, I forgot to mention that Costa Rica guarantees 30% employment in important seats in their representative democracy, which is awesome. They're a very stable government, too, I am told, because of their policies for peace. Awesome. Anyway, after that, I called Brittany to see what she was up to, and she wanted to go out for dinner and drinks with me and her roommate, Maggie (she hasn't always been especially warm to me, but she got friendlier once she had a few drinks...). So, we went out (me in jeans and a cami—it was waayyyyy too hot, even at night!) and walked about 20 paces past the pier to a local-looking restaurant that turned out to have the most delicious chicken and rice dish I've ever had... I also had my first margarita, which was gross, so I donated it to Teneya and Catherine's table, who were sitting adjacent to us. So, I enjoyed my dinner with some water, but Brittany and Maggie wanted me to drink, but I was too hot and didn't feel like being out; I wanted to go back to the ship. So, Maggie offered to sell me her canopy ticket for the next morning for half price at $35 and Brittany said she'd buy me a Corona if I stayed out with them, lol, so I consented, but first changed into my nice, cool Brazilian dress. We then walked a ways down the street along the beach, where I saw an heladeria (ice cream parlor) and wanted to get something yummy. I got this interesting vanilla ice cream with these crunchy chocolate pieces. We then walked along and started to hear this serious thumping music coming from the distance. We soon arrived at its source, which turned out to be Captain Moreno's, a local club. It was totally ghetto with tarp on the outside, but Brittany really wanted to dance (and I'm always up for dancing), so we went to go in, but there was a cover charge. However, we saw some people go in for free, so we argued with the bouncer until he let us in for free. We got there around 9, so it was generally SASer- and local-free. AKA there was almost nobody and Maggie and Brittany were pretty tipsy and ready to dance. Maggie bought us a round of tequila shots (which were gross... no surprise... Straight liquor is rather unpleasant), and then Imperials, the Costa Rican beer. We went up on the dance/stage area and danced along to the music, which was really fun. The music they played is the typical Latino version of hip hop (you know, the kind that has quite literally the same exact beat in every song), which, as it turns out, is lots of fun to dance to. We danced all night until I left with my friend Na-Keesha to go back to the ship, as we both had the same canopy tour in the morning that was scheduled to leave at 8:30 am (hence, we needed to get some sleep). But before we left, we sure did run into a lot of SASers, but for once I didn't really care. They were actually kind of fun—the kind of people I'd want to be there. Anyway, Brittany and Maggie stayed there and I'm sure that they had lots of fun, but Na-Keesha and I walked home, and we had a good conversation. She's such a nice girl (actually, she's 30 as it turns out, and I never would have known... She looks fantastic and actually could pass for my age because she's kind of shy or something). Anyway, I took a shower and went to bed. The next day, I got up for the canopy ziplining tour (which Teneya and Catherine were on) and breakfast... the ziplining was really fun, but not nearly as scary as I was expecting it to be—Mom could have done it and would have had a great time and wouldn't have been too scared. It was great the way that they did it, though, because they started you off on a short run that's not very high up at all that gently slopes down (rather than you having to jump straight off of it), which made it much easier, and it's always starting off that gets me. There were about 10 runs, and all were lots of fun, and it was actually pretty leisurely. The "forest" that we zipped through, though, we very sparse and it looked like the forest in Georgia (namely, near my house... not really tropical or jungley like I'd expected, and definitely no fauna)... and, it looked in a lot of places around Puntarenas that they'd been going through a serious drought (which makes sense, because the rainy season is just now beginning after the end of the dry season). After that, we came back to the ship, where I ran to the little open-aired market that was right outside of the pier to grab some more last-minute souvenirs before I went on my horseback riding adventure (I only had about an hour and 15 minutes, and very little cash... Plus, once I was due to get back from the horseback riding, I wouldn't have enough time to do more stuff like shopping before having to get back on the ship), so I bought some artwork for my mommy (it's her birthday today!) and a hammock, and then booked it back to the ship to take a shower and get some lunch before I had to leave at 1:45. After I finished getting ready, I made it to the bus just as it started to leave (and two minutes early! They usually wait 10 minutes to make sure that they don't miss anyone else... so lame), so I started chasing after it, but the guide guy told me to wait, walkie-talkied the bus driver, who stopped at the end of the pier to wait for me (a 5-minute walk), so these really nice security people drove me quickly down there, so I thank goodness made it on my trip. I would have been pissed and extremely disappointed if I hadn't made it, because that was the trip that I was by far most looking forward to! So, we drove about 40 minutes to the ranch, where there was apparently some sort of Latino cowboy and cowgirl party going on in the opposite direction of where we were trying to drive (there were literally at least 100 mounted people of all ages clogging up the road, so we had to just sit and watch them go by... it was fun and interesting to watch, because there were just soooo many of them). It must have taken at least 10 minutes of waiting for them to go by before we could move again, and of course, they weren't all together, so we'd have to stop again each time more horse-and-people teams would go by lol... We finally arrived at the ranch (cienfuegos eco-ranch... aka "100 fires"), where our horses were already tethered and ready to go for us. I was super excited about riding—I haven't done it in ages, it seems. So, everyone was getting mounted after we got the usual safety briefing and whatnot, and then I saw him... the horse of my dreams. He was a very beautiful (much more beautiful than the rest of the horses—obviously pretty well bred) white-stockinged I-don't-know-what breed (his body was brown), well-built and just my height! I asked the guides in Spanish (man, how I loved speaking in Spanish again! It came back so easily, I was really surprised!) if I could ride that one. They asked me if I was experienced, and I said yes (years of trail rides counts as "experienced," right??? lol), because I wanted a horse who would be as interested as I was in going fast! He was gorgeous, I'm serious. His name was Lucero. Perfect. We made a kickass team, I must say. So, we left on our trail ride and two traits of my lovely horse-friend become quickly apparent: that he was extremely sensitive to my commands (I simply had to squeeze my thighs—not even have to dig my heels into his ribs like one usually has to do with horses—to get him to go), which was absolutely phenomenal (I've never met a more sensitive horse to that kind of thing, and it was like he could sense my mood and desire to go fast, too), and that he was as spunky and antsy as I was to gallop! It was like we were made for each other. That was one awesome horse. Anyway, we had a nice, long trail ride that went through big open fields, forest, and past a little river. I was so, so sad when it ended. My whole group soon realized that my horse (aka the both of us lol) were spirited and that we loved to go fast. Lucero would "bite at the bit" lol even when we couldn't possibly get around the other horses. I had fun keeping him in line—literally and figuratively. I absolutely loved having a horse that I had to control for once, rather than having a boring, docile one that would never go fast or do what I want. And Lucero actually minded pretty well—he wouldn't listen to me right the instant that I gave a command to slow down, but he'd do it quickly enough. I seriously wanted to own him—I've never met a horse that I felt such an intense connection and likeness with. So, I learned on this particular trail ride that I need not feel wary of galloping—galloping is so easy because that's when it gets very smooth and fast (the best way to ride a horse!)—it's the fast trotting that I have difficulty with because my feet often slip out of the stirrups (damn being short... it's so inconvenient sometimes) and it's so bumpy... It's hard to stay in the saddle. Ironic that going faster makes the going better. So, we galloped a lot. Only in short bursts, though, sadly. I was dying to gallop for a long ways, but that would mean overtaking the guide, which would not have made him happy lol (but it would have made me and Lucero happy!). I guess I didn't realize how much I talk to the horse that I ride, too, until Trevor (Transcendentalism classmate) pointed it out to me, but I really do feel like they can understand me. Being around horses just feels so right to me. Anyway, one interesting event of the trip was that one girl (Coretta—a very nice girl) was riding a horse that at one point tripped on a slippery rock, almost fell down the hill, and knocked Coretta off. It's a really good thing that neither were hurt. Her horse was a bit freaked out for a little while, but it was just interesting to see that because I've seen anyone fall off their horse before. So, the trip ended far too early (I could have easily gone all day!), where I got some pictures with my beloved Lucero, and then ate some delicious watermelon and pineapple that they stables provided, which was nice. To top it all off, I found a horseshoe and kept it—yay for good luck! I had an absolutely fantastic time on that trip and my only regret is that I didn't get to gallop more often and for longer periods of time. It caused me to decide that someday, when I live in Costa Rica, it will definitely be on/ very close to a ranch. Absolutely. And I will ride almost every day, and it will make me the happiest person alive. So, after that, we went back to the ship, and I tried to call Mom to wish her a happy birthday, but the international calls booth was closed, and I didn't have enough money to buy a calling card to use in one of the pay phones—sadness. So, I used up what money I had to buy some fudge-looking stuff, that turned out to be pretty much pure, granulated sugar lol, and then headed back to the ship. Oh, I almost forgot to mention: I talked with all of the vendors in the open-aired market in Spanish, which was loads of fun, but one of the vendors I had talked to said that he saw me last night at Captain Moreno's! It was so embarrassing! I was only ok with dancing like a fool because I thought no one would remember/recognize me later, lol, and two people today told me that they saw me last night. I guess my identity is a little more unique than it used to be, because there's no way they would have remembered me when I had longish blonde hair and no nose piercing lol... Well, the ship has finally left port, and we're on the long haul to go back home! I can't wait to pull up to Miami and see my family's happy faces, and enjoy a nice, mini-vacation with them (even though they think I won't want to hang out with them ,which is just silly). I've been reading Angels and Demons at night lately before bed to get myself to get sleepy earlier, which has thus far worked, so I'm feeling pretty tired and ready for bed. Sleeping in and tanning for me tomorrow! Oh, I guess I haven't written about my last school day of the semester: in short, I finished my paper, turned it in, then ate lunch and tanned outside (something I'd been doing the two days before, too) to make sure that I have a base tan for beaching it up in Florida con la familia, and I've found that tanning on the ship is actually—can't believe I'm saying this—rather enjoyable. There's always a nice breeze, and the day before Costa Rica, we saw a huge pack of dolphins!!! All semester, and I finally saw some. They were so beautiful, and would play in the waves and jump clear out of the water and do flips. It was better than Sea World and I got to see it for free! So, I jogged in my bathing suit clear down to the other side of the ship to my room to get my camera, jogged back, but, go figure, they had left by that time. I was told, though, that they had been coming around often lately, so I'm going to have my camera ready tomorrow to make sure that I catch some pictures of them. Ok, bedtime. Love to you all,
Michelle
May 7, 2008: One More Full Day Until Miami
As I sit here in the Garden Lounge dining hall (6th deck), typing this, I am amazed to find that reality has finally hit home; I have finally realized and accepted the fact that I am about to go home and start up life again, although this time I won't be picking up where I left off in many ways. Things will be different, and being one for a challenge, I would usually relish that fact and brace myself with an eager heart, but for once I just want things to be normal. Usual. Like they were before, at least for just a little while. I've had enough shocks for the past few months and I'm tired from it, and kind of dread the changes I will have to face. But hey, it's ok. I understand why things have to be the way that they have to be. I must say, though, that I am incredibly grateful for having had the opportunity to have been able to experience all that I have experienced while on Semester at Sea, and I am grateful for the fantastic friendships I have made, and will—I can't believe I'm saying this—miss everybody on the ship, especially my friends and the staff/faculty/crew that I have come to love and look up to. I'll miss even the people that I only knew obscurely, but they were a part of my daily life nonetheless, with the occasional hello and smile. This is goodbye. I finished packing tonight and it feels good to have that out of the way, but man, does our room look bare. Tonight we had a pre-port for Miami, which was emotional and sad. Doc Brown, an awesome man as well as doctor, played a song for us, and it was clear that he would miss us very much, and loved us equally as much. It was very sweet, and as I had watched it in my cabin (rather than going up to the Union... I was feeling lazy), I looked around me and realized that these moments I was experiencing, right then and there inside those four walls, were coming to an end. I reached up to touch the wall next to me and it felt alive, and loving, to me. So many things had happened in that room—secret conversations, movie nights, friends stopping by to say hello, restless attempts to sleep, laughter, crying, smiles, and frowns... I'm going to miss it, a lot. I realize that in many ways I was unsatisfied with my surroundings, but I am happy with what I got nonetheless; I came to love everything around me. I feel like I've been in a time warp, or in a coma, this whole time, and the dream is soon to end, and reality to begin. I'm not sure how I feel about it, as I have mixed emotions clattering around in me. Well anyway, the past few days—before the reality beat me upside the head— have been glorious: I have been lying outside, tanning in the sun, and eating, sleeping in, getting stuff done, packing, and yesterday, we passed through the Panama Canal. I sat outside a good deal of the day enjoying my book (Angels and Demons for about the 5th time) and friendly company. It has been chill-out paradise lately, and I love it. I'm going to get up for breakfast tomorrow and exchange photos and possibly music with Caitlin, and then, I guess, just hang out with everybody. I'd love to watch a movie, so hopefully they'll have something good playing on the stations on tv. Anyway, the moment that caused reality to really sink on was unexpected. I found a card on my door with my nickname, "Sparky," on it—it was from Caitlin. It was a sweet little card and contained a longish letter, handwritten by "Kitten," as I like to call her (also Colonel, but that one is much less used), in her kickass handwriting. I wish I had her handwriting. Anyway, she wrote probably the most beautiful letter ever written to me, and it caused me to cry because it was from the bottom of her heart, revealing to me that she has always admired me and has appreciated having me as her friend. There were times, as you might recall, when I felt like she stopped appreciating me as a friend, but she has told me that she never stopped loving me as a friend. She apologized for distancing herself lately (Teneya and I are back to hanging out together, by the way, which is absolutely fantastic!), saying that she has been through monumental changes throughout this trip, and I think that because she has been in denial about leaving SAS—this whole trip, she told me—I feel like she was afraid of getting too close to me, and therefore kind of held me at arms' length at times. She's the same way with her boyfriends because she's afraid of getting hurt—I realized how silly I was to have thought that I would be immune to that, too. Now that I understand her and her motives, an overwhelming sense of forgiveness, regret at having misunderstood her and therefore harboring less-than-friendly thoughts about it, and friendly love. I love her to death, even though at times she has hurt me. I have experienced—at the least—not one like I'd thought, but two hurts from love this semester: from a friend and from a boyfriend. No wonder I was so down for such a long time. I had a whole lot on my mind, and now, thank goodness, things are starting to wind down and fall into place. I just wish, though, knowing now what I do, that I had more time to get to know Caitlin better in a different light. But, I suppose that that just means that I'll have to come visit her in D.C. over the summer and then in Spain all of next year, as she will be studying abroad. Anyway, I don't particularly feel like writing much more, just wanted to give you an update. I'm excited for Miami and going home, but man, am I going to miss you, good ole Explorer, SAS, and its participants!!! I love you all!
Michelle
