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April 28, 2008: Day 95—Reporting from the middle of the Pacific Ocean!

Hello everyone. I'm writing in this blog because I'm avoiding writing both of my papers... ick. Luckily, I am halfway through one of them, but the other I haven't even started on and it's definitely going to be the harder of the two. Six pages on how learning about Emerson has changed the way I think... Ummm, I don't think so. Not possible. My professor for that class—Professor Edmundson—is a great teacher and used to teach at a hippie school, so if I straight up told him I don't want to write it, he wouldn't get offended, I think... I'm going to ask him if I can write 3 pages and do something else, because at this point, I'd much rather have a final instead. Anyway, we had our Global Studies final today, and let's just say that I was 100% confident on the first two questions and things went downhill from there lol... It doesn't matter if I do horribly on it, though, because they're going to drop our lowest grades and I am pretty sure I have a C, so if I do worse than that, I'll be ok because it'll be dropped. I tried the final anyway, though, so we'll just have to see... I'm excited about finding out what my grades will be. In the rest of my classes, I'm pretty darn sure I will have a solid A in each one. Sweeet. 11 more days tomorrow until I step off of this ship for the last time to see my family again, after nearly 4 months... I cannot wait. I'm really sad that Jess can't come, but considering that I haven't seen her in so long, I guess I can stand to wait 3 more days... I'll probably get really antsy being on the beach and not at home after a while, though. My family's renting a van to drive down and get me because I have 6 bags of varying size and none of our small-ish cars would be able to carry all of that plus my family's baggage. Wow, one more port left and it's Costa Rica... that's going to be amazing. I'm going to do a canopy zip lining tour and what I'm most excited about is horseback riding through the jungle! It's going to be incredible. It's so nice to be able to sleep in as long as I want to now (but if I sleep too long I miss lunch, which = starvation for pretty much the rest of the day) and all I have looming over my head is my papers—well, that's as far as academics go, at any rate... I have plenty of other things looming over my head that have nothing to do with academics, too. In some ways I almost dread going home because I have to face a complicated situation that I've been thinking about 100% constantly for the past month and a half, at least, and what has been contributing to my bouts of insomnia that I've been experiencing for the past two weeks. But, I'm ready to see my friends and family again, and I've decided that the very first thing that I want to do when I get home is cuddle up in my very own bed with Bailey and Spanky, my dog and cat, respectively. Considering that we will arrive in the wee hours of morning, I imagine I will be oh so happy to be in my own newly-painted bedroom (thanks Mom and Dad!) and in my own bed, where I can sleep as long as I want to. I imagine I'm going to want to sleep a lot after this; even though we have lots of down time on the ship it's really not down time at all because you're always doing something, and not even napping is fully satisfying... I went through all my photos today to look for a possibly good cover photo for the yearbook... I hope that they choose one of mine. That would be such an honor indeed, and would look very good on a resume (I'm thinking submitting my portfolio for entrance in the art program at KSU here... mmhmm. It would look very good.). It felt so strange to know that all of that happened no more than 3 ½ months ago, and yet, it feels like forever ago that it all happened. And I and my friends (well, just Caitlin, because she shaved her head) look so different from when we did at the beginning of the voyage. I'm trying to figure out if I'm very different from how I was before... All I know is that I'm definitely going to want to go on a lot more road trips (why on earth does gas have to be so expensive?!), and trips and whatnot in general, and start taking advantage of every little thing in life that gives me pleasure and joy and a sense of life well-lived. Of course, I'm not going to go the wrong way and become hedonistic and only live for things that make me happy. So, no worries there. But I shouldn't live with the regrets that I have, the biggest of which is that I never mastered an instrument. I've tried but I simply don't have the patience—this is why I am anxiously excited about starting up my music minor—I will have to take class piano. I've dreamt of being in an orchestra for a long, long time now, and it makes me truly sad that I never took band in middle or high school. In middle school I was stupid enough to listen to Nicole for telling me that band was for losers and that I absolutely shouldn't do it... At the very least, though, I took chorus, and enjoyed it very much. This reminds me, though, of one of the girls who used to be in that class with me; I think about her every once in a while, even though in recent years I didn't know her that well... She died in a car crash a few years ago, and I remembered her on my graduation day and thought how much she should have been there with us, and yet she wasn't... I was just thinking of her the other day. It's unsettling to have known someone that has died, and I dread the day that someone close to me will leave this world—and me—behind... This is why I want you all to know that no matter how insignificant you may think you are to me, that I appreciate you being in my life and I am so grateful to have known you if we don't meet again. I feel like we people don't tell each other that often enough... It's important to feel appreciated, and to express that appreciation as well... But anyway, I've also decided that the first thing that I want to bake when I get home is coconut macaroons that have been smothered in rich dark chocolate... doesn't that sound amazing? I can't wait to make it, and I hope one of you amazing people reading this will join me! I guess it's kind of obvious, but I have a whole lot on my mind right now and it's triggering all sorts of other feelings, memories, etc... Plus, having just watched Love Actually, I'm feeling all of the complicated emotions showcased in that movie and I feel kind of torn apart by it... I feel like they really do show love (the kind that's in reality), but I think it has been dramatized some... I think I'm becoming a skeptic about fairy tale love, and it's making me sad to think that such a thing really can't exist because I've believed in it all my life. Disney really did give me false ideas of what love really is, and turned me into a hardcore romantic. I try to make someone as happy as I possibly can and I mess up and then it all gets thrown back into my face. There is so much pain involved in the process that I'm starting to think that I want nothing of it... I'm so confused about how I feel that it's just tearing away at my insides... I feel like my heart is in a vice... Urgh. Forgive me for bothering you with my thoughts but it's not like anyone else on this ship would understand, nor would they want to hear about how I'm feeling, really... I wish that I had Jess and Eric and Rose here. They'd make me feel better and they always have something encouraging to say. I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut because there's so little that I can do about everything except sit it out, but I'm so over being in pain like this and I'm very ready to start figuring things out. I can't though, until I get home. Well anyway, Caitlin and I are fortunately on friendly terms again, which is a relief... I still feel really bad about what I said to her and I don't think she'll ever be able to forget it... Perhaps forgive, but not forget. I'm sick of constantly hurting people... It hurts me more than it hurts them to cause them pain, but a fact of life is that people will hurt you and you will hurt them, and I know this, and yet, it is the worst feeling in the entire world to have broken someone's heart, and when you said something nasty to a friend, and knowing that you have damaged that relationship with that person quite possibly forever. Why is it that mistakes are so unforgivable in this world? Why is it that there is so little room to be a human being—imperfect—and yet that's exactly what we all are? I'm so fed up with it. Why can't I just be accepted for who I am? Well, I'm going to go now. I truly do love you all, thanks for reading my ramblings and complaints... I guess I'll get over it eventually.

Michelle

Oh, P.S.: this particular leg of the journey (from Japan to Hawaii and from Hawaii to Costa Rica) has been blessed with very calm waters... Today, the water is so smooth that it almost looks like glass. I've never seen it this calm, and for so long, too! I can walk down the halls in a straight line. It's a nice change.