April 21, 2008: Second Post...
I just read my emails and Mom sent me this, from Gretchen Fifer, an alumnus and I believe a former SAS professor, with whom my mom has kept in touch, and with whom I have had personal correspondence. She knows what she's talking about, and it would mean the world to me if all of you read this, however unwilling you may be—it's important to me.
"You're going home. No you're not. At least...not to the home that you left in January. When you get off the ship in Miami, you are going to know that. You already know it in your head, but when you get off the ship in Miami, you are going to know it in your bones. You are going to feel it in your skin. The world that you left behind isn't there any more.
There's a story that I like to tell my students about a fish in a fishbowl. There is a way in which a fish swimming around in a fishbowl knows nothing at all about water...because water is so much a part of the fish's life. It is surrounded by water...it is embedded in water. In that sense, the fish does not really KNOW water. If you want the fish to really understand water,
you have to take the fish out of the fishbowl and say, "Look, that's water". Now if you put the fish back in...the water doesn't look the same any more. Well, in a certain sense, we've all been taken out of our fishbowls. You've been out of your fishbowl for three and a half months. Now you have to go back.
It may not happen to you immediately. Caught up in the excitement of seeing your friends and your relatives...it may take a day. Maybe a week. But sooner or later there is going to be a moment. It might happen to you at the airport. It might happen to you in your hotel room. Maybe not until you get home. But sooner or later there is going to be a moment when you realize that the world just doesn't "fit" the way it fit before.
Many of your friends...even your good friends...are going to seem suddenly...strangely...stupid. You will want to talk about...India. And they will say, "Yeah, right. That sounds great". And somehow, that is just not going to be enough. And you'll say, "Yes, but I was in Chennai...let me tell you... the smells...the colors...and the babies... Let me tell you about the
babies!". And your friends will say, "Uh huh." And you will watch their eyes glaze over as they smile and nod and glance over your shoulder. So you will try Japan. "You know, I was in Japan! I was in Japan right after the September 11, 2001, tragedy, and people comforted me, after we had bombed them years before. Can you believe that? I was in Japan!" And your friends will say, "Oh".
And then your friends will suddenly get enthusiastic again as they begin to tell you all the things you missed while you were away. Like that big party...where everybody threw up on each other. And that really funny episode of Ally McBeal. And they will start telling you some of the lines...and laughing as they are telling them to you. And you will be crawling out of your skin.
And you will say, "But I saw beggars! I saw children begging! Did know that parents sometimes actually maim their kids to make them better beggars?". And your friends will say, "Awesome". And you will know that they don't get it. In fact, you might even begin to wonder if some of your friends really know what it means for something to be...awesome. Seeing a sunset while walking along a beach in the Schylles Islands... that's awesome. Watching the ship crash through the great waves and have splashes of white and blue...that's awesome. Seeing the Great Wall zigzag off across the mountains
into the mist...that's awesome. That big party you missed... isn't.
And you are going to hear yourself sounding pretentious. You won't FEEL pretentious, but you are going to hear yourself SOUNDING pretentious. You know, here on the ship, if you are sitting around with one of your friends or your roommate and you start a sentence like, "One night in Ho Chi Minh I was taking a cyclo back from the War Atrocities Museum....". That doesn't sound odd...here. But can't you just see your friends back home rolling their eyes? You are going to have to choose between sounding pretentious...and being silent. An you are going to long to be back here with us...where you can be normal.
And maybe you have a relationship back there. An important one. One that seemed really comfortable and promising...back in September. Oh boy! All those letters you wrote? Or didn't write? Some of them maybe feeling a little forced as you wrote them? That relationship might not feel right any more. Like an old pair of jeans that's all broken in, but out of style. And you think, "I just can't wear this any more."
Many of you have become independent on this voyage. Much more genuinely concerned about the world. About other people. Stronger. Braver. BETTER than you were in September. And the life that you had planned for yourself may not be big enough any more. You might be thinking about changing directions. A new major. A new career. Maybe even a new country. Who are you going to talk to? How are they going to understand?
There are a thousand litle ways that the world is just not going to fit any more. And a thousand little reminders that it doesn't fit. WORDS are not going to seem the same. You will hear the word, "Havana City". Havana City is a place now...it's no longer just a word. Vancouver. It all comes back. It's not just a word. How could you posibly have imagined, back in September, that you would spend the rest of your life smiling whenever you heard the phrase, "plate tectonics"? The world is never going to be the same again.
So what do you do? Well, I think one of the things that you have to do is to forgive your friends. Looking at your pictures...listening to your stories...is not the same as having been there. You know that. You've looked at people's vacation pictures before. You know that pictures can't capture the experience. They are going to be looking at it and listening to it...you've lived it. It has changed you ...it hasn't changed them. So you have to be a little patient with them. You have to be a little forgiving if they don't quite get it.
But I think that you can only do that if they are willing to let you be the person you have become. It is not the places you have been to...and it is not the things that you have done that have to be shared. It is who you have become that has to be shared. You don't have to find people who have been around the world to understand you, but you have to find people to understand you. And if your old friends won't let you be the person you have become...get rid of them. Make new friends. There are plenty of people out there. And I'll give you a good suggestion. You know those foreign students on your campus? Those strange people with the accents? You see them wandering around confused and not knowing what building to go into. Been there. Done that. Go talk to them.
There are a lot of people out there who can confirm who you are ...and who you are becoming. Even if that is not clear to you now. In many ways, the person you will be six months from now is still brewing ...still developing right outside of consciousness. You don't know yet how much you have changed. And you won't know that for another six months or a year.
Other people who have been up here have suggested that you might want to try action. Find a cause...something that you believe in... and work for it. I agree with that. I think that's a good idea. But I am not worried about you. I don't think that you need to be urged to do that...you don't even need to be reminded to do that. I think you are going to HAVE to do that in order to feel at home. If the world does not fit any more, then you have to create a world for yourself that does fit...a place where you can feel at home.
I have been on this trip before...and gone home. So has Les... and Elaine...and Milt [academic deans]. We have all been taken out of our fishbowls and put back in again. And I think I can speak for all of them when I say ...come on in, the water's fine."
I wish all of the Spring 2008 Students luck as the reenter their fish bowls."
Thanks guys. Love you all lots, and I promise I will try to be patient with you all, and I hope that you all, in return, will be patient with me. Can't wait to see y'all again!!!
April 21, 2008: Day 88
Today was pretty good... I got up for breakfast, and considering the fact that I didn't fall asleep until probably 3 am, I went back to sleep, not getting up until about 12:45 to hurry up, get showered, and go to class, and I skipped lunch. Drawing was basically a repeat of last class—we drew landscape thumbnails again and then graduated to a full page of a landscape using the middle tone concept, which is our second ongoing homework assignment that's due in 5 days, along with our completed travel journal. I've really enjoyed spending so much time on the still life I've been working on, amazingly enough (being impatient as I am), and I think I like it so much because I'm kind of a perfectionist and I like making every detail just right... I anticipate a good grade on it. Anyway, I worked on that a lot today, and I tried watching some movies but they wouldn't work (darn you, Vietnam and your crappy DVDs!!! Good thing I only paid a dollar for each, but that's why they're crappy in the first place, lol...), so my favorite thing to do lately is wait for my laptop to go to sleep and it goes through all my photos, and I always get distracted from whatever else it is I am doing to watch them... I could sit for a long time looking at all my pictures like that, so I did that for a while, and then I went to dinner with Teneya, Catherine, and Andrea. I actually enjoy being a vegetarian on the ship because the vegetarian stuff is the only food worth eating: I had orzo with veggies, and some other cooked veggie dish, plus a roll... I'm amazed at how much butter I consume on the ship, but if I want the breads I eat to taste good, that's pretty much my only option. I bet my cholesterol is appalling right now because of it... ick. Anyway, we had some amazing coconut pudding tonight, which was grand... I can't wait for Coldstone's ice cream tomorrow, and I've found a Tex-Mex restaurant (I've been craving Mexican food literally this entire trip! I was so excited to have found a restaurant...), and I'm going to buy TONS of groceries to keep me going for the next two weeks on board the ship... Goodness. Can't wait. I've become obsessed with eating on this trip—I live to eat because the dining hall is only open certain hours and my only other option is the grill on the 7th deck... At home, even if I went to college that had a meal plan, I wouldn't be so obsessed with it because I would have millions of other options... Shiplife is so unique. I'm realizing more and more how much I'm going to miss it when it's all over, but even so, I'm 100% ready to come home. After "logistural" (logistical and cultural combined lol) pre-port tonight, Avi, our videographer, played a sample of the voyage DVD, and it's going to be amazing... It's funny how I can look at my photos all day long and not feel much, but when I saw that video, it hit me really hard that I'd really been to all of those places and experienced it myself, and that it was almost over... What a crazy feeling. I cried a little bit, and I cannot wait to receive that DVD and my yearbook (I have at least two photos in the yearbook, by the way!!!! Eek!!!) in the mail in a few months! I can't wait to be in Hawaii tomorrow, even if it's just going to be for a day!!! Well, I need to make sure that I get plenty of sleep tonight (I took 2 Benadryl, and I think it's starting to work...) because I'm waking up at 6 am to watch the sunrise as we arrive in port, and I'll be going all day!!! Love to you all,
Michelle
April 22, 2008: Day 89—Hawaii.
After 12 hours of going literally all day and constantly doing something is one tiring feat. My legs ache so badly that I took an Advil. But, who cares? I had a super awesome time in Honolulu/Waikiki, Oahu, Hawaii, for the day!!! I awoke at 6 am to get up on deck to watch the sunrise, but we were already in port, so it was hard to see when so many buildings were in the way. The sky was lit up with beautiful colors nonetheless. I called Mom and Dad and talked to them, then got cleared by customs, and then went to breakfast. I've noticed that I tend to stuff myself at breakfast on the ship because breakfast is the only meal I can rely on to provide lots of different options that I am guaranteed to want to eat, so I guess my logic is that if I eat well at breakfast, then maybe I'll be ok for the next two meals on the ship... lol. Such is not the case, of course. Anywho, I ran into my ship friends, wished them a good day, and embarked on my little adventure alone. I went to the post office first to buy stamps and send a package home, then had a blended chai tea frappuccino from Starbucks, which was amazing... I wanted to go to a local informal art show that they have every weekend and every Tuesday, but I knew I wouldn't make it in time, so since I was in the area, I walked a good distance to the grocery store and pretty much felt extremely happy because of the healthy food options that simply were not available in the other countries we have visited— it felt so, so good to be back home in the States, I cannot convey to you how much I felt at home, even though I live miles and miles away from Hawaii... The people I interacted with were all very personable, friendly, and helpful, often going the extra mile to wish me a good day. Wow. And I could communicate perfectly with everybody. Wow again. It. felt. so. good. Mom told me before I left for Semester at Sea that, when I would return after the trip, I will be even more grateful to be an American and to have the benefits and comforts of being an American, and I brushed off her observation, thinking that I would want to move to a lot of the countries we would visit and rarely look back, but I've found (as one often does), that Mom was right. It's so comfortable to be in America. But anyway, after I spent, very sadly, $100 on groceries, I got a cab back to the ship, dropped my stuff off, threw some items in the fridge, then turned right back around again to get out to Waikiki, in the hopes I would make it in time to get to the art show, but by the time I got there, it would have been over so I didn't even bother trying to get where it was. I went with a bunch of SASers in a taxi that I didn't know (I was invited along to help alleviate the cost of the taxi... we were all sick of waiting for the bus), who occupied the entire taxi ride (10-15 minutes) with a conversation that was entirely about alcohol. Oh, the joy of being an SASer... So, after we were dropped off in this super-fancy part of town at the Sheraton with Coach, Cartier, Tiffany & Co, and P. F. Chang's lining the street in fancy, brand-new buildings, I walked to the beach and took my time absorbing the interesting sites to see on one of the most famous beaches in the world: Waikiki Beach. Why it is one of the most famous beaches, I cannot for the life of me answer such a question... It's apparently not even a natural beach, too, which makes it worse... As one would expect a world-renown beach to be, it was crowded with high-rise hotels, tanned, half-naked bodies, and tons of colorful umbrellas. There are far more beautiful beaches on Maui. Anyway, I enjoyed watching the people, and took a few photos of the people surfing the 2-foot waves for a while, enjoying the sun, the smell of the sea (I LOVE that smell! Strangely enough, one doesn't often smell the sea while at sea on the ship... I seem to only be able to pick it up at the beach), the interesting people (lots of Japanese go there... it's so weird, considering the fact that Pearl Harbor is just around the corner, and Hawaii caters so much to them—I'm not saying it's bad or anything, just kind of weird...), and the balmy, warm air. It's always a pleasure to me to get out on my own not only because it's nice to get away from the people I see a million times a day, but ESPECIALLY because I can go at my own pace. I've found that I absolutely hate running around all over the place—I don't absorb what's going on around me, and because of that, I feel like I really missed an important part in a lot of these countries. So, I was able to just take everything in, which always makes me feel happy. I then went looking for the trashy souvenir shops that seemed to be nonexistent (which seemed impossible—I mean, it's Hawaii for goodness sake, of course there are going to be trashy souvenir shops!) on the fancy strip I was on, but one block away from the beach and bam! There were the souvenir shops, thank goodness. I had a bunch of stuff to buy people, so I'm glad that I was able to take care of that. Then, lo and behold, the one thing that I wanted most while in Hawaii (I can say this with my heart devoid of shame... this is how deprived I feel sometimes on the ship), A MEXICAN RESTAURANT!!! Oh my God! Scrap those plans with Kira and Caitlin to get lunch together because Caitlin doesn't like Mexican food and there's no way in Hell I'm leaving Hawaii without a good, old-fashioned Mexican meal!!! I noted its position later for when I felt hungry enough for lunch, and then walked along, found a market, and did some more shopping. I basically just wandered around, buying things, and most of my time was spent hunting down a tattoo parlor so I could buy a different nose stud (I hate my stupid gold ball, it's just ugly). I finally found one, but it didn't open for another 15 minutes and I was really hungry! So, I ate lunch (I had cheese dip and chicken tacos, which wouldn't normally be that good and the food was overpriced, but oh man it was so good, you don't even know!), and then went to the tattoo parlor, where I bought myself a little nose stud with a small, clear rhinestone. It's super cute. After that, I headed for the beach, but got interrupted for about 30 minutes because this funny youngish Israeli guy selling super expensive Dead Sea spa products waylaid my journey, trying to sell me the products. This is only worth mentioning because I got to talk to him about what it's like in Israel, which was very interesting. I enjoyed that interaction, and after insisting several times that I don't have $150 to blow on a freakin mud mask, I finally weaseled my way out of his retail grasp and got to the beach, where I changed into my bathing suit in one of the fancy hotels, and as I was settling down to lie out for a while in the nice, warm sun, Brady, one of my ship friends, came up, who was hanging out in town alone, too. He suggested that we go in the water, which was awesome because not too many people my age seem to be interested in playing in the water when they go to the beach nowadays, and I absolutely love swimming, so it was a refreshing change. Brady actually reminds me a whole lot of Casey Jarvis—he's quite the gentleman, is studying Criminal Justice (didn't surprise me at all when I found out), and is generally really good-natured and agreeable. So, someone offered us their floats because they were leaving the next day, so we chilled in the ocean for a while. I had fun actually playing in the water for once (rather than tanning like every other unimaginative person on the ship who has lost their sense of childhood fun), and then dried off and watched a bunch of guys skim-surfing in the shallows. It was really neat, and I soon started taking pictures. I got some really cool ones that I'm really excited about. Brady left, and then Kelsey and her family (her little brother, one of the children of the ship, and her mom, and her dad, who is "The Voice" who gives the announcements everyday at 12 noon and 5:30 pm), chatted with Kelsey briefly, and then I changed back into my clothes and started heading back to the ship. As I was waiting at the bus stop to go back, I overheard this guy say that he wanted to go to Pier 1 to the bus driver, and noting that the Explorer is right next to it (Pier 2), I told him which bus he should take, and he sat down next to me and we talked for a while, but then he started getting really creepy (this guy was like 3 decades older than me, and a sailor... Does young woman alone mean anything to you considering this description?), so I pretended that I was going to look for other SASers to go back with me (that bus just wasn't coming), and went to a different bus stop. Finally, the bus came, and luckily that creepo wasn't on it, and got back to Honolulu at around 7:30. I had just enough time to grab some Subway for dinner and then got back on the ship. I wrote my postcards and got them in on time, so that was good. Then, Kira, Caitlin, and Kim (Tricia's ship bestie) came into our room and we all hung out for a while, exchanging stories, which was fun. I also ate a small tin of chocolate-covered macadamia nuts. You're jealous. lol :-P I got some dark brown hair dye and I'm going to color it tomorrow—I'm super excited; my current hair color is so ambiguous that it's extremely unflattering on me. I'll be glad for the change, and I like my hair to be dark when it's this short, I have found. When it gets longer I'm definitely going back to blonde! Can't wait! Well, that's pretty much my day. It was awesome, and I'm so glad that we had that break from being at sea because I really needed it! Love to you all,
Michelle
April 26, 2008: Day 93
Is it really already day 93? That's so crazy... Not much has gone down in the past few days—just lots of class, sleeping in through Global Studies (although I did go one day) and until noon (but getting up at 8 for breakfast and then going back to bed), studying, drawing a WHOLE lot (I had to do a still life using middle, light, and dark tones using a dramatic light source, a landscape drawing using the same concepts, and I had to make sure that I had 4 drawings per port in my drawing journal—I had slacked off on the last one, and had to catch up, plus the still life took me 4 hours to do—the professor rightfully commented positively on it), eating, more sleep, I went through the whole Harry Potter movie series (with the exception of the 3rd because it's ONLY in Vietnamese... grrr) in a few days, watched the Road to El Dorado, I've been catching up on the Global Studies readings (the final's in 2 days but it doesn't matter if I don't do well on it because they're dropping our lowest grade and I've got a C or B, so I should be fine), and that's pretty much it up until yesterday. Yesterday was the Ambassador's Ball, which includes dinner, karaoke, two simultaneous dances (one in the Union—rap and hip hop—and one in the faculty/staff lounge—"oldies" aka mostly 80s music), a dessert buffet, chocolate sculptures that you can't eat :-(, getting really dressed up, and having a good time. I signed up for dinner with Kira and Caitlin for the second seating at 8:00, so I got ready at 6 with the intention to go up to watch people do karaoke at 7, but after I was finished getting ready, I went over to Caitlin's to hang out until 7 pm rolled around. This led to an unfortunate set of events that I regret immensely and go as follows: Caitlin put on the cocktail dress that she was going to wear that she brought from home, and I really thought that she should wear the one she had made in Vietnam. It's really cute and classy and suits her well. Anyway, she put it on, and commented that she thought it looked kind of funny... Thinking I was being a good friend by telling her the truth, I over-emphatically told her that she shouldn't wear it—it fit her oddly. Of course, anybody would be grateful to be told—gently—that he or she didn't look good in something, but I unintentionally said it without any gentleness and tact whatsoever and wound up insulting and hurting her greatly. I'd really like to know what on earth compels me to say things like this sometime, because it certainly has happened before... All I know is that it happens before I even have time to think about it. My mouth just takes over, I guess, and causes me to say things I would not normally say, and pretty much never mean it in the way I wind up implying it to mean... So basically, I apologized but felt uncomfortable explaining myself when Kira was in the room, too (who told her to wear what she wanted and that she looked fine in the dress), so I left and went to my room and sat down on my bed staring out into space and feeling like a complete asshole for my actions, and I never made it to karaoke. I could have sat there for hours, I felt so bad, beating myself up as usual (mentally, that is), but Tricia came in and was very kind to me... I finally got up the courage to seek Caitlin out in private to apologize properly... I called her room but neither of them were there, apparently, and I heard them laughing down the hallway, so I just waited for them to come back from wherever they'd gone to... They stopped by my room to pick me up for dinner and I asked that I speak to Caitlin alone. I apologized, and she told me that she was very hurt by my comment, and that not even her sisters—who have no problem with being honest—would apparently not be as cruelly assertive as I was... I basically didn't want to go out for the rest of the evening, partly because of that, and partly because I felt like a fool in my dress and really wasn't in the mood for prancing around in it... Caitlin said it was ok, and that we'd have fun... So whatever, I went to dinner with them. We wound up in Tymitz Square and took pictures together (all three of us: Kira, me, and Caitlin), and ran into Tricia, so she and I took some pictures together. We then made it to dinner, picked up our champagne for the toast, and sat down at table 69—the table we'd signed up for. Luckily for us (*cough* sarcasm), our three other tablemates whom we didn't know were already drunk, as was the rest of the dining hall... One of the girls had to be put to bed by the other two and wound up missing dinner... The girl next to me was nice and loquacious but kept talking to me with her mouth full and I got sprayed with food on a couple of occasions, which was rather unpleasant. The dinner itself was quite yummy, though, and I'm looking forward to having another fancy dinner with Caitlin, Kira, Teneya, Catherine, and some other girls (can't remember who) tomorrow night. We took a table picture together, and afterwards, Caitlin was talking to I think Dean Kenn Gaither when some jerk (who was already quite drunk) came by and chugged her wine, and then proceeded to go to the Captain's Table for goodness' sake to steal Kenn Gaither's wine... Caitlin returned not long after that and we told her what happened and pointed out the guy who did it, who then gave her half of his (aka Kenn Gaither's) wine to "make up" for it... Kenn came over right after that and asked the guy if he took his wine (his table had told him that the kid did it), to which the wine stealer said no. Kenn got really mad and told the kid to look him in the eyes and say that he didn't do it, and the wine stealer did it without blinking... Kenn got even more annoyed and told the kid it was on his honor... Everyone was really annoyed with this rude kid and kept trying to get him to admit to his crime, but we finally left because Caitlin was really annoyed and just wanted to leave. After that, we went up to the faculty/staff lounge to catch the last hour of the dance, but I wanted to grab some desserts, so I said I'd meet them up there. I grabbed enough for all three of us and went up there, then down to the Union, then back up again (wash, rinse, repeat...) because I couldn't find them. I finally saw them coming from I guess Pub Night on the same deck but aft (thanks for waiting for me guys...), and we danced in the faculty/staff lounge, which was lots of fun. Brady, Teneya, Andrew, Caitlin, Kira, Julie, Caitlin's ship Mom Courtney and ship family members, and some others of us all danced together to some oldies. It was fun. They played a half hour more of music for everybody (we kept yelling for more lol), and then I went to my room and went to bed. The latter part of today was kind of miserable... I slept until noon as usual, went to the last drawing class, and went back to my room to read some Global Studies stuff... I wound up taking a nap because I felt super tired, and then got up to go to dinner. Every single one of my meals lately has been spent entirely alone, with the exception of B day lunches because I have an ongoing lunch date on those days with Brittany... I tried to get a hold of Teneya, then Caitlin, but neither were in their rooms, so I tried Brittany, who was not there either... This particular time, I really didn't want to go to dinner alone, for once, so it really sucked knowing that I'd have to go and sit alone, yet again... Tricia always invites me to dinner with her and Kim, but I don't know if I'm ready to take her up on it yet—I'm prideful in that respect because I don't normally hang out with Tricia and Kim unless it's in my room and I don't want to break up the duo and be a tagalong... Anyway, on the way there, I ran into Caitlin and Kira, the former who clearly felt uncomfortable running into me and wouldn't say anything directly to me and wouldn't look me in the eye very often... So, I talked with Kira instead, who was personable as usual, and who invited me to come to game night, but not being much for most board games, I declined, and asked if they were going to dinner. Neither were, so I wound up going alone as formerly planned. I got myself a spot outside and waited in line, where I saw Teneya... Teneya has not been seeking me out at all lately (since before Japan, basically) for who knows what reason—I guess she just doesn't want to be friends with either me or Caitlin (she hasn't been hanging out with her either), so whatever... Anyway, I talked with her and whatnot, and I had hoped that she would invite me to sit with her for dinner because it was quite clear that I was alone, and she just left at the end of our conversation to sit at her table with her other friends... That was depressing. I felt so god-awful alone. Two of my most treasured ship friends now no longer like me. Fantastic. So, after getting my food, I went outside to sit at the table I had put my stuff on to reserve it, but some other people were sitting there... So, I grabbed my stuff and found another table. It was pretty annoying. I quickly ate the god-awful food and then went back to my room, where I called Jess and talked with her for 35 minutes (sorry Mom and Dad—I hope you guys understand), and she cheered me up big time. I feel 100% better about things now, and I think that I can face the next two weeks on the ship with enough cheerfulness to get me by. It's amazing what friends can do. I love you Jess!!! I can't wait to see her again, and the rest of my friends, and my family—the people who love me no matter what. I end this blog entry with a quote by the amazing Jessica Rae Griffin I: "Living is necessary for life." I couldn't have said it better, Jess. Much love to you all—less than two weeks until I see my family, and about 16 days until I'm home again!!!! :-D
Love,
Michelle
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