Yay Hawaii Soon!

April 17, 2008: Day 84

Wow. Day 84... Three more weeks until I see my family and friends again, and my home and own room again... To be frank, I look forward to it. Less than a week, too, until we get to Hawaii. I can't wait for that to roll around as well. Anyway, my day yesterday went well... After having called lots of people and talked to them (happiness!), I watched Spiderman I, which I bought in Vietnam. I'd forgotten how much I absolutely love that movie... I grew up watching the Batman movies, and the occasional Superman movie, but Spiderman has always—by far—been my favorite superhero, and it's also easily the best superhero movie series. I absolutely love superhero movies. Anyway, after feeling sooo good after seeing that movie (this is about 12 am or so), I felt so wide awake and happy that I watched the second Spiderman movie, not going to bed until 2 am, and I couldn't fall asleep until about an hour later... I guess it's because I had slept in until noon that day, but I think I was so caught up in my thoughts and excitement, making it hard for me to feel sleepy. Anyway, I've decided that I really, really want to read some of the Spiderman comic books. I don't know about all of them... that'd probably take a year? But I would really enjoy a few of them, I am sure. So, after last night, I got up for breakfast, went back to bed, and didn't wake up until noon again... It is really nice to get so much sleep—I think that long haul through Asia really wore a lot of us out. It's quite fortunate that we get to have all day off tomorrow. I'm going to try packing up most of my things I don't need right now to determine if I need to buy another bag in Hawaii, and I'm going to start on my papers that are both due on May 2, as well as work out (if there are any spots open—people fill the sign-up sheet like you wouldn't believe, but usually if you go and wait 5 minutes, people don't show up anyway, which is nice)... I've decided that I want to do kickboxing when I get home, and do Weight Watchers. I feel like I look and I feel comfortable in my own skin, but I don't like actually seeing myself. I could be much healthier, and I think it's time that I take my health seriously. Once the summer is over, I'll be living on campus and can easily go to the Hip Hop Aerobics class that's at 10:00 at night, and they also offer kickboxing (hopefully it won't conflict with my schedule). Anyway, I went to Transcendentalism and we did something different: the class was split in two and ordered to take a side: my side was that eternal happiness and peace, and renouncing all desires (and therefore pain and suffering), is not humanly possible, and the other side of the room took the other argument. I believe in the side that we were given and presented our arguments to the class. It was a really cool discussion. Then, I put the finishing touches on my paper for Art and Architecture, then went to that class, which was droll as always, but that's ok: we learned about romantic and gothic architecture. After that, I went to dinner with Teneya and everybody else, and then went back to my room to enjoy the third Spiderman movie—I'd been looking forward to it all day. Spidermans 1 & 2 are my new favorite movies. Then, just as I'd started it, Caitlin and Teneya grabbed me to go up to the live auction that was being held tonight to raise money for charity. I swear, we must have raised several thousand dollars... one guy paid $500 for the captain's hat, another paid $400 for a popcorn and soda party in Dean Kenn's room (ridiculous!!!)... A lot of people dished out some serious money for often ridiculous things. But, it's for a good cause, so that's cool. I only stayed until intermission, at which point my stomach was feeling icky from the rocking and the hot chocolate I'd just had... Urgh. Then, I finally watched the rest of the Spiderman movie. I really enjoyed it, but it does make me feel uncomfortable for Peter Parker, the main character, when he goes kind of crazy and dances ridiculously in the street lol... It's definitely an awkward movie, and often sad. I don't like it as much as the first two, but I reeeeally want them to make another one! I guess they're not going to, though, because the cast didn't want to do any more. Sadness. But enough about Spiderman... After that, I worked out for 30 minutes at a high resistance, and it felt good knowing that it will possibly bring about a better-looking me (even though I don't gain or lose weight at all, it seems, no matter what I do—good or bad). Oh!!! One more thing: my professor of Transcendentalism, I have finally figured out, sounds a whole lot like the comic book guy on Simpsons, but a million times more intelligent. He has that strange nasal quality to his voice. It's funny :-P

Well, that's pretty much it. Love you guys!

Michelle

April 18, 2008: Day 85

"My heart won't stay entirely in this ribcage... so come on take it, come on take it, take it from me..." –The Weepies

Perhaps in a moment I will tell you what I did today, but right now, that doesn't matter. Right now, I want to know something. I want to know if you guys will care what I did, what I saw, and what I experienced. And don't feel surprised or hurt that I'm asking this, because it's a perfectly legitimate question, and I need to know the answer. All this time I was convinced that you guys would, 100%, care about everything I will want to share with you, but today I stopped being naive. I realize that your reaction won't be much different from everyone else's friends and family who have done this in the past... I realize that after a while, you guys really won't care, and you won't understand, either. After a while, you will roll your eyes when I want to share a story, and change the subject. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." –Dr. Seuss, the quote of the day today... how perfectly said. Anyway, should you react to my reminiscing in such a manner, it will really hurt me. I need you guys to know, to really know, that I want nothing more than to share this experience with you all, and it would mean so much to me if you would sit and look at my pictures with me, or watch my home videos (yes, I do have 8 hours of video, and it would be so unbelievably awesome if you guys would watch it all with me—I plan on doing it one day when I get home—but I'm not going to be so silly as to expect you guys to watch all of it with me...) with me, and hear the stories that I have to tell without telling me you don't have time, or you don't feel well, or some other sad excuse like that. This means so much to me and it should mean a lot to you, too, because doesn't that show you how special I think you are if I want to share it with you? 24 hours ago I was really looking forward to going home, and I still am, but I am no longer fooled that it will be all happiness and good times. It's going to be rough—very rough—to work out the issues I have created when I get home, and it's going to be tough to know that life went on without me at home... It's hard to know that Rose knows Alex better than I do now. It's hard to feel like things won't be back to normal when I get home—something I want so much. It's also weird to know that something could soon change my family's life, just before my arrival back home. All this change, and I want nothing more than for everything to be exactly as it was, when I left home. I don't mean, of course, that I don't enjoy the changes that I have gone through. It's just hard, like I'd said, to know that life went on without me. As for me, though, I wonder if you guys will readily accept me as I am now. For one thing, I look dramatically different—my hair's a different color, only two inches long now, and I've been spiking it lately (to look like organized chaos/bedhair, and I like it—it' something different, and a lot less boring than not styling it at all, and as I'm not really into the fauxhawk hairstyle—it's not my thing—I feel like this suits me better, but it still makes me look less Michelle-like)... I really like it, though. I'm a different person, so I guess it makes sense that I should look different, too. I've also got my nose pierced... I hope it won't be hard to find a job because of my appearance. But whatever—I'm happy with the way I look and I guess that's all that matters. I think it'll just be funny to see everyone's reactions when I get home ;-) Forgive me for being so critical, but I'm starting to realize that the best part of this voyage is over, and that I really am going to miss it all much more than I had thought. You guys will just have to bear with me when I get home, I guess. It's scary to know that a big change is happening in my life soon again—coming home. I just want you guys to know that I still think of each and every one of you every single day still, and I still love you all as much as ever, and will be so, so grateful to see you all again. I just hope that you will be as grateful and happy as I will be. In some ways I'm still the same old me—still a chapstick addict, still love to hug and laugh, and I still love to photograph. I haven't figured out how I'm different yet—I just know that I am, a little bit. Be ready for me to bake up a storm, and want to have lots of parties/sleepovers and want to go out dancing, and want to drive just so I can sing... Anyway, I'm out of that funk now and I just can't worry about the future—it's out of my control and worrying about it isn't going to do anything. I watched 13 Going On 30 today, after having wanted to watch in for about 1 ½ months, and really enjoyed it. I think that the thing that really drew me to want to watch it is the dance scene to Michael Jackson's Thriller. It was so cute... I really want to learn that dance, it looks like a whole lot of fun, plus it's an awesome song. If there's one thing I've learned on this trip, it's that I need to live my life and do what I want to do: I love to dance, so what on earth is stopping me from doing it? Money? Psh, screw money. I don't need it anyway. I've got one life to live and if the only thing that's stopping me from doing the things I enjoy is money, then I've got it good! I think it will bother me to go home and be surrounded by people who don't realize that they could die tomorrow—who don't realize that money really doesn't matter. Of course, one needs to be careful about the way one spends and makes money, but it's nothing to obsess over—there's only so much caution one should employ with such things. So, to hell with denying myself the things that make me happy, like dancing, singing, learning, and having fun. It's time to live life to the fullest. Love to you all,

Michelle

April 19, 2008: Day 86

Day 86. One day closer to being back with the people who truly care about me... Slowly but surely, it has become apparent to me that my ship friends do not truly care for me. It is clear to me that this "friendship," if you can call it one, is merely temporary and convenient. I was never able to get close to these people because of a mutual desire to not become attached, and it makes me sad that it is the way that it is. I wish that I had my real friends on this voyage—I am convinced that this experience would have been tenfold more meaningful, because I would have shared it with people who care about me, and about whom I care very much. It's funny how I thought I would meet amazing people with whom I was like-minded—it takes a certain kind of person to go on a voyage around the world... seems easy, right?—but I was clearly wrong. I don't mean to say that I dislike my friends on the ship, so I'm sorry if it seems that way. I will simply be grateful to be appreciated for who I am again, because no one understands me on this ship—it is a lonely feeling. I'm sorry that I'm not interested in idle things like gossip and fashion magazines... I want to go home and have conversations with serious substance with my friends and family. But that time will come soon, and believe me, I'm making the best of what I have. It's just not really what I had in mind. I'm trying to continue to enjoy my experience on board the MV Explorer, but I must admit, it won't be too hard to say goodbye. The tears that I will shed will be tears of happiness upon seeing my family again—not tears of melancholy at the end of an adventure. I think I'll feel sad about the end of it later, but right now I am frustrated with the treatment I have been receiving from my ship friends, and being regarded with so little interest. Anyway, I did not mention that yesterday the gay-lesbian-transgender alliance-group thing had an awareness day and hosted a very delicious barbeque on the 7^th deck for lunch—I thought it was really great that they were given a day to raise awareness and to feel a little appreciated for once. I donated a little money to the gay and lesbian international fund and got a little sign to wear on my shirt—I had it say, "I support gay (same sex) marriage." Before that, I had worked out a little bit and I felt soo good, so I really had a nice day yesterday, with the exception of my lapse into melancholy, of course. I tried to go to bed around 1 but couldn't fall asleep for hours... I had thoughts buzzing around in my head endlessly. I took a Benadryl tonight to put an end to my strange new sleeping habits (we're losing yet another hour tonight... urgh) and go to bed early, but it's already 1 am and I have to get up at 8. Anyway, today was a bum day again... I woke up for breakfast (the only meal truly worth going to on this ship), went back to bed, slept through Global yet again, as well as my work out time, and barely dragged myself out of bed at 12:30 to get ready for my bridge tour and then drawing class. Both went well. Then, I took a short nap and started the Harry Potter movie series. I'll probably watch #2 tomorrow... It's not like I have anything else to do. I'm going to be so god-awful bored on the way to Costa Rica if I go through all my movies before we get there. Honestly, if Costa Rica was before Hawaii, I would just leave in Hawaii to come home. I've had my fill of SAS... Anyway, I dragged myself to the mini-play tonight in the Union, called "When Shakespeare's Ladies Meet," and it was absolutely awful. I'm sorry to say this, but I was itching to leave 10 minutes in, and it was only 45 minutes long... The actors made the best of it, though, so I can give it that much. You guys, I miss you lots. Please bear with my negativity—I've had soooo much on my mind lately, and I really have been watching so many movies to drown my thoughts, only to have them resurface to slap me in the face even more intensely when they are finished. Le sigh. Well, that's all for tonight, y'all! Love and miss you ALL lots,

Michelle

April 21, 2008: Day 87? Don't remember...

So, today was nothing special... I got up for breakfast, which was good as usual (the only meal worth going to here on the ship), actually stayed up long enough to go to Global, which was decent (we have our final in a week—is this semester really almost over?), went to bed until noon, wrenched myself out of bed in just enough time to shower and go to lunch before Transcendentalism, after that I slept until my next class (art and architecture) for a little over an hour, went to class, then went to dinner (it was nasty... I am so glad I had a jar of peanut butter because I ate some with my apple, which was good). After that, I started my still life and chose my makeup as the subjects, and after working on it for an hour or so, I read the section on Japan in our Global Studies book, after which I started watching Harry Potter 2... In the middle of it, (10 pm), snack time started and I was hungry so I went and got something, finished the movie, and then got ready for bed, making sure to take a benadryl, knowing I would have a hard time falling asleep, as I have been wont to do lately... So, naturally, I can't fall asleep thanks to so many thoughts flapping around in my head, and the Benadryl has had no effect on me. Thus, at 1 am, I am hanging out on the internet, hoping to become tired soon. I can't wait for Hawaii—only one more day, thank goodness! Much love to you all,

Michelle